Domestic Violence is a Serious Problem – Part 2

Dear Friends,

Prompted by a short but poignant book by Natasha Stott Despoja called On Violence, I wrote last week about the problem with the solutions offered by the world. Essentially, the world needs Jesus if it is going to solve the problem of Domestic Violence.

But we also need to remember that simply being a Christian does not stop or prevent domestic violence. We need to proclaim the Gospel to each other but we must also do more.

First, knowing that such behaviour is contrary to the Gospel and knowing that it is abhorrent, we must call out those who hurt their family. Of course, you can only do that when you know each other well enough to know what is happening in our families; so, ask more pointed and personal questions of people in church. More than “How’s your marriage?” Dig deep with people. Ask the awkward questions about parenting, finances, sex and violence. If you have concerns, don’t ignore them. It is loving to ask. It is loving to rebuke.

If you are the victim of a family member’s violence, please speak to police, a trusted friend or me. If you are the one being violent. Please stop now. Please seek help. 

Second, in our church we need to work hard to create a strong culture of grace and forgiveness in the face of failure. People are going to fail to meet the ideals for life proposed in the Gospel. When they do, will they feel they can talk to their friends or pastor, or will they feel condemned and rejected? Jesus managed to both condemn sin and eat with sinners. There is an ideal to aspire to, and aspire we must to patiently, carefully, lovingly correcting and rebuking. A friend once said, marriage is “one of the first things and most hurtful things gossiped about in churches. At the moment the last place I would go for marriage help is the church”. I’d love to hear our church members saying the exact opposite.

Third, while some pastors have taught and encouraged people to stay in abusive relationships, we need to affirm that the Bible does not justify, endorse, encourage or support any abuse of anyone by anyone. No one should ever be forced to stay and submit to abuse. Some men use the Bible to justify their treatment of their wives, pointing to Ephesians 5:21-33 but they’re wrong. The problem is not the Bible, the problem is their inability to read it and believe it! Challenge each other if you hear that someone has their teaching on marriage warped.

Our response to domestic violence among church members and the erroneous teaching of some pastors cannot only be institutional, committee led, enquiry based and happening later. Our response must happen now. And it must happen from the ground up. In our church, from every pastor and every church member, let us talk to each other with Scriptures in hand, humbly, lovingly, carefully but urgently.

And if you need help, please, just ask.

In Christ
Nigel.