Dear Friends,
I love talking about controversial ideas as much as the next guy but did you know that there is an art to good conversation?
Sadly, I’ve been the cause of many bad conversations and once you are in one it’s hard to back out. Too many times, while the other person is speaking, I am thinking about what I’m going to say next. What they’re saying is largely irrelevant to me. I’m just been reloading my rifle and waiting for them to take a breath so I can fire away again. Simply, I stop listening.
The key element in the art of good conversation is listening. Listening leads to understanding and understanding leads to deep, accurate and empathetic conversation. I’ve heard the witticism, “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason” but good listening is not just about silence.
In Stephen Covey’s book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Habit #5 is Seek first to understand, then be understood. He described five forms of listening:
- Ignoring: not really listening at all.
- Pretending: humming along while not really following.
- Selective listening: hearing what you want to hear.
- Attentive listening: paying attention to the words.
- Empathic listening: intending to understand what the other is trying to communicate.
I know I engage in all five forms from time to time! Empathic listening is not about agreeing with the other (showing sympathy). It is about understanding what message the other is trying to convey. It is the only form of true listening.
So how do you listen like this and have a good conversation. I want to make six suggestions:
1. Turn your heart on. When the conversation starts, decide to love and value the person you are in conversation with despite their point of view. This will help you have the right attitude and be willing to listen.
2. Cultivate a curious mind. Ask questions of the person you are speaking to so you can dig deeper into their thinking. What, why, when, who, where, and how are the best friends of curious people and will help you understand what is being said so you can respond helpfully.
3. Watch the emotions. Emotions help us understand the depth of the views held but neither validate nor establish truth. If your listening is being impacted by your emotions, it may be best to put the conversation on pause until you can be calmer.
4. Say what you think. Telling the truth is crucial for good conversation but putting all your thoughts out for critique is also important. Consider the possibility that you could be wrong and ask more questions.
5. Stay on topic. Ad hominem arguments or the introduction of other topics into a conversation to try and win the argument will usually muddy the waters rather than provide clarity.
6. Finish well. Agree to disagree. Decide to carry on another time. Take some things away to ponder some more. But work hard not to walk away as bitter rivals in a heated debate. As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone! (Romans 12:18)
There are important things for us to converse about at the moment so let’s make sure we are having good conversations that help grow understanding rather than bad ones that undermine relationships.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. (James 1:19-20)
In Christ
Nigel